I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
