We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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