I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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