Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
