you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
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VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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