the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize