dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Randomize
