you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
