Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
