If i come over, it means nothing
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
