Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
why is half of my head shaved?
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