She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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