I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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