I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You took a bar mat shot.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
