I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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