whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
