I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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