Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
