I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so let's talk penis.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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