Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
