Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
