I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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