I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
