I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
