Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
