I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
