Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you had me at cake vodka
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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