Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
