One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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