I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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