are you still at the devil's house?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
