God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
