I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
