i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
