im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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