Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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