but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
