Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just blew my weed a kiss
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
