Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
