I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
