you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
