I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
