just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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