life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
