i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
