The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
