I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
