She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
