I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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