dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
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They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
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I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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