Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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