Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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