Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
