i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
That reminds me...we need to get swords
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
