No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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